doing anything but

is maybe fine sometimes

I have found myself in the, “doing anything but” mode a lot lately. Doing anything but the thing that needs to get done, the thing that wouldn’t take that much time to do, the thing that would greatly alleviate overall stress, the thing that ends up becoming avoided at all costs, for seemingly no reason at all?

I re-downloaded instagram as a last-ditch effort to try my hand at “marketing”? I basically just want people to come to my movement class that I pour my heart into every week… but the draw of people arriving to such a heartfelt space from their screen feels shallow. I fully deleted my instagram account for a number of months, and have done that a couple times. I keep coming back because I’m a business owner, and everyone looks at their phone a lot- so it’s free marketing.

Except it’s not free.

The tax it has on my own mind and attention-span is high. I have a hard time just doing marketing on it, and then not scrolling my heart away.

I’ve kept having these funny moments of seeing a bunch of book review videos/reels, and think, I could be reading one of those books right now… only to find myself scrolling again.

This whole post is not just about instagram, but it’s a great opener, cause it’s so damn relatable.

My brain, and therefore my body, has been stuck in anticipatory energy as of late. Equal parts procrastinating, and getting so caught up in thoughts of what I would want to do, planning for a move in an entire year from now, trying to figure out the next step in my professional development, etc… that I find myself escaping the present moment. I am resistant to slowing down, to doing simple things, to sitting with one task until it is done.

I’m partly writing this as an exercise in completion, satisfaction, to say, “see?!”, “you cannnnn do it!”.

I did read 50 pages this morning, and finished a book, which is also the finale of the series that I’ve been reading for months. That felt good. BUT the quality of my reading was somehow both anticipatory and trying to escape. I found myself both jumping ahead to the next dialogue parts and skimming the context (even though this book is so well written and the contexts are so painstakingly important!), AND I found myself with my eyes moving across the pages, but having images and thoughts of unrelated to-do lists and day-dreams. I kept having to pause, go back, and re-read. Ultimately a bit exhausting, annoying, and frustrating? I of course, also took breaks to look at my phone…

Alas I read the 50 pages, but I’m seeking to remind myself that its actually so delicious to read. How precious is it, that I get a morning to myself, with coffee, homemade waffles by my love, snow falling out my window, all curled up on our couch, and that I get to read, a book I LOVE?! This shouldn’t feel laborious.

I know some of you reading this can relate. I also know that some of you might be judging me. I am judging me!

I’ll probably delete instagram soon, honestly, cause when I really think about how I want to spend my time, I not only think of the things I want to do, but I think of the quality in which I do them.

I want to be present. Sensorily HERE. I want the pace of my internal rhythm to match the thing I’m doing. If I’m reading, cozy, I want my body to feel safe enough to slow down, sink into the couch, let my mind just focus on each word, the texture of the page, the taste of my coffee. If I’m running or hiking, I want the pace of my internal world to be alert, quick, aware, high-energy, in a frolic-kinda-way :)

I have been in more flexible nervous system states before. Right now I feel very aware of a high-energy brace and freeze and some maintenance strategies coming on board (scrolling, checklists). All the things in my life- work, school, lots of dance, friends, teaching, etc. are all good, and amazing things, and my system is telling me that it is too much. Namely, school.

I write this as a reminder that I am aware, and that things will change. AND THANK GOD my body has these survival tools to get through the “grind” periods in life, that inevitably happen. I don’t need to have things figured out, and it’s also okay for a somatic practitioner to be in flux. Sometimes I fall into the trap and the myth that people we call practitioners have done the work, and are regulated all the time. Regulation does not mean calm, but it does mean accurately responding to current stimuli, and having the capacity and tools to do so.

I’m here to say, its fucking okay to be disregulated. I have done a lot of work on understanding my nervous system, on healing so many things inside of myself, of growing capacity. Even with all of this work, and integration and education… it is unrealistic to be accurately responding to situations all the time. The world we live in is disregulating as hell! It is a natural response for certain patterns to flare, to the work we did to heal, to become torn open again. It is natural. It is okay.

My period is another sign of disregulation in my body. It didn’t come this month. I’ve not been sleeping well, and that is 100% to do with this fast-paced energy on lock in my system, and also 100% to do with the state of the world.

So, here I am taking stock. Checking in.

How do we be okay with noticing all the things that maybe aren’t going exactly how we want? How do we bring compassion and curiosity to these things? How do we set realistic expectations for healing in a wounded world?

My body has been screaming at me to rest, and equally is so terrified of it, because I’ve been in go-mode for so long.

The answer, which I’ve had to find out countless time, is to move slowly toward slowing down.

I can’t expect myself to sit down and read 100 pages un-intereupted totally relaxed tomorrow.

What I can do, what I will do, is say, “hey body, I totally hear that you are having a hard time reading right now, do you need to do something with this buzzy energy first? Then maybe we can try reading 10 pages?”

Or something like that. God it feels so cheesy to write this sometimes. But literally, it has helped me so much to LITERALLY talk to my body and meet it where its at. See what it needs! Set realistic expectations.

And in the spirit of this, I have been writing for a second now, and am going to take a break. I’m going to stand up, move around, see what I need and come back to re-read this, edit it, maybe post it, maybe not.

I invite you too, to notice with curiosity, compassion, and to see what it’s like to meet your body where it is.

Post check in: Since a last wrote, an hour has passed. I have moved, stretched, sighed, drank some water, snuggled my dog, picked up my living room. I have selected the book I want to start reading next, gotten out my tarot deck and also sent some work emails. I yawned a lot. I just have one final though to offer in closure today…

It is an accurate response to see what is happening in the world and to go into survival mode. It also makes sense that maintenance strategies keep us afloat. We do what we can. The things that are most important to me right now is staying in connection. Connection to others. Connection to self. It is okay if that is harder sometimes than other times, but it is that connection that will give us life, resilience, and resistance.

Your phone screen doesn’t count. We need physical holding, food sharing, laughter, tears, presence with each other. Even if I’m struggling to read this month, and my phone is attached to my hand 50% of the time… I still am in deep, loving connection to so many people. I am so thankful for that. This is the important goal. May we all find ways to better support connection in our lives.

That’s all I have today!

I’ll be teaching a class this evening on touch, boundary and connection, and I’m going to start dropping into that space now.

With love,

Rylee